7:50 a.m.

That is what time it is and I've already been up for way too long thanks to my lovely two-year old who has decided that 6:00 a.m. is her new wake up time. It drives both her parents to madness, but we don't know how to fix it. Lydia and I have already had one power struggle this morning which I sorely lost. It's going to be a long day.

We sleep-trained her at six months and from then on her sleep habits were absolute bliss. But since turning two it has all gone down the drain. From refusing her naps, to putting up fights at bedtime, and now getting up early, I'm ready to throw in the towel on motherhood. How is it that I find taking care of my three month old is so much easier than caring for Lydia?

I love my little girl. I've loved every step of her growing up. She talks so well now, but it is still the cute, not-so-correct speech of a two-year old and her expressions often leave me smiling. But she knows how to push my buttons and make me so angry that I feel like a two-year old myself as we both throw tantrums at each other.

I read a conference talk from this past general conference. It talked about controlling our anger, and how getting angry is a choice. I try to remind myself of that, but it is easier said than done. I am so grateful that children are so completely forgiving. Otherwise I think I would've blown my chances with Lydia long ago.

It didn't take long after Lydia was born for me to realize how selfless motherhood requires one to be. When you can't get more than two hours sleep, have time to shower, or even eat lunch, you realize how indulgent you could be before you had a child. Luckily, it is something you get used to--putting everyone else before yourself. I think that is what has made bringing Russell home so much easier.

But it does wear on you. I told Chad the other day (after a long day) that I just felt like there was no relief I could look forward to. I told him that I don't get weekends off from my job like he does, that I can't even count my day as done at bedtime because I still have to get up and feed Russell in the middle of the night.

There have been a few respites thank to my generous sister Andrea (and sometimes my mom and other sister Kellie) who has driven over an hour to come babysit for me while I went shopping or out on a date with Chad. And I'm grateful for that. But I'll admit it is a struggle. I think the winter weather doesn't help either as the gloom from outside seems to seep inside.

So I'm looking forward to the holidays: some family, some socialization, seeing friends, and eating good food. Hopefully it will be the boost I need for the new year so I can be a better mom and a better person. Until then, I face my day and hope at the end of it, it will have been a good one.