Resolved

It's a lazy Sunday Afternoon. Why Chad is the one taking a nap when I'm the one who hasn't slept through the night in over four months is a conundrum. But since I'm awake I thought I'd share the fact that I actually made New Year's resolutions this year and I actually wrote them down.

Here are a few:

1. Eat treats only 1-2 times a week instead of that many times or more a day.
2. Participate in a triathlon
3. Go on as many vacations as we can possibly afford. Camping counts and Chad and I will make it to California for our 5-year anniversary without our children (do or die on that one).
4. Buy a house (we hope!) or at least get out of this cramped apartment.

Let the games begin! And here are a few new pictures of my super cute kids. This first one of Russell is my most favorite I've ever taken of him so far.

Revelation

It’s peacefully quiet in my house. For the second day in a row, Lydia has taken a nap—and willingly. We’ve had major struggles with this lately. And it isn’t just that she won’t nap. It’s that missing her nap makes a complete difference in everything about her, her health, her attitude, her eating, and her night sleep.

It all came to a head last Sunday when she refused to nap. She was an unbearable wreck by 5:00 pm. She fell asleep in my arms at 6:30 and we put her in bed though it was an hour early. But she woke up at 2:30 in the morning and refused to go to bed. She didn’t just defy us, but she let out ear-splitting screams that left us with nothing to do but get her up—angrily.

All that night, I pondered on what I could change in our lives, in the way I take care of her, that would help her sleep. You can’t just sit down with a two-year old and explain why she needs to sleep.

And then it came: the revelation.

Lydia needed attention. I needed to fill her love tank. If you are familiar with The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, then you know what I am talking about. We all have a love language and we need to be spoken to in that language to feel loved. Lydia’s language is Quality Time. So is mine. You’d think that would work out perfectly, but it doesn’t. You see, my quality time means I just need you around, but I don’t necessarily need your attention. Just be in the same room with me and we’re good. Lydia on the other hand needs 100% of your attention. When you give it to her, she might as well be in Care-a-Lot surrounded by all that is perfect and loving.

So I’ve made it a point to give her an HOUR of my undivided attention each morning. We go in her room and I am all hers. Granted, it isn’t as easy as it sounds mostly because Russell hasn’t quite got the knack of a “schedule” down. But I’ve made it work so far. It’s hard not to want to reach for my cell phone, go change the laundry, or whatever else is on my to-do list. But I make the effort and we just play. And so far, it is working!

I realized that I needed to change my focus. I needed to make my day about my kids. And not about me taking care of kids. I’ve savored the peace and quiet that has come from this. I hope it lasts.

7:50 a.m.

That is what time it is and I've already been up for way too long thanks to my lovely two-year old who has decided that 6:00 a.m. is her new wake up time. It drives both her parents to madness, but we don't know how to fix it. Lydia and I have already had one power struggle this morning which I sorely lost. It's going to be a long day.

We sleep-trained her at six months and from then on her sleep habits were absolute bliss. But since turning two it has all gone down the drain. From refusing her naps, to putting up fights at bedtime, and now getting up early, I'm ready to throw in the towel on motherhood. How is it that I find taking care of my three month old is so much easier than caring for Lydia?

I love my little girl. I've loved every step of her growing up. She talks so well now, but it is still the cute, not-so-correct speech of a two-year old and her expressions often leave me smiling. But she knows how to push my buttons and make me so angry that I feel like a two-year old myself as we both throw tantrums at each other.

I read a conference talk from this past general conference. It talked about controlling our anger, and how getting angry is a choice. I try to remind myself of that, but it is easier said than done. I am so grateful that children are so completely forgiving. Otherwise I think I would've blown my chances with Lydia long ago.

It didn't take long after Lydia was born for me to realize how selfless motherhood requires one to be. When you can't get more than two hours sleep, have time to shower, or even eat lunch, you realize how indulgent you could be before you had a child. Luckily, it is something you get used to--putting everyone else before yourself. I think that is what has made bringing Russell home so much easier.

But it does wear on you. I told Chad the other day (after a long day) that I just felt like there was no relief I could look forward to. I told him that I don't get weekends off from my job like he does, that I can't even count my day as done at bedtime because I still have to get up and feed Russell in the middle of the night.

There have been a few respites thank to my generous sister Andrea (and sometimes my mom and other sister Kellie) who has driven over an hour to come babysit for me while I went shopping or out on a date with Chad. And I'm grateful for that. But I'll admit it is a struggle. I think the winter weather doesn't help either as the gloom from outside seems to seep inside.

So I'm looking forward to the holidays: some family, some socialization, seeing friends, and eating good food. Hopefully it will be the boost I need for the new year so I can be a better mom and a better person. Until then, I face my day and hope at the end of it, it will have been a good one.

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